Everyone’s doing the best they can: sh*t I learned from getting kicked out of the group chat in my 20s
“______ has removed you from the group chat.” Learning from the experience of being dropped by college friends can be a challenging yet transformative process. In my mid-twenties, I went through this experience, and I learned some of the most important lessons of my life. These lessons have helped me grow and become a better person, and I hope they can help you too.
Lesson #1 - Humans make mistakes
I learned that humans make mistakes, and we are all doing the best we can. We all make mistakes until we know better, and we should hope people will forgive us. If they choose not to continue the relationship, it doesn't mean we are not deserving of love, compassion, and self-forgiveness. We should learn how to be kind to ourselves and others, even when we make mistakes.
Lesson #2 - Change is uncomfortable
I learned that systems resist change, and people will want you to change back. Sometimes, the factors at play make it impossible for friendship groups to continue when the balance or status quo is disrupted, and the group becomes dysfunctional. If the scapegoat won't change back, and the group isn't willing or able to change with them, the system can't continue much longer as is. It's important to recognize when it's time to move on from toxic relationships or groups.
Lesson #3 - The group over the individual
I learned that mid-twenties is a vulnerable time, and groups provide comfort and stability. Established friend groups are probably the single-handed most comforting social tool we use to cope. However, it's important to remember that it's not as personal as it feels. People choose the group over the individual, especially during a time of transition.
Lesson #4 - You cannot control someone’s perception
I learned that what other people think about you is none of your business. People filter the world through their unique, individual lens and project all sorts of stuff onto you. It's important to learn how to be okay with this and let others think what they want. You cannot control their projections or perceptions of you.
Lesson #5 - You cannot force people
I learned that we can't change people or make them choose us. The people who matter mind nourishing the relationship, and both parties have the tools to move through ruptures together in the context of the relationship. You have to accept that they show up in the world as they are, and not everyone wants to repair a relationship. We're all just doing the best we can.
Lesson #6 - You make space for grief
I learned that you make space for grief as life goes on. Life goes on, but the grief never truly goes away. However, you find yourself more and more able to cope and give yourself grace when you feel a wave of grief coming on. You know you'll be okay.
Lesson #7 - Healing is possible
Lastly, I learned that you heal through safe and secure relationships. When you start surrounding yourself with people who really see you for you, you go through a beautiful transformation. The right relationships are incredibly healing, especially when the wound was a relational one.
In conclusion, being dropped by college friends in my mid-twenties was a difficult experience, but it taught me valuable lessons. These lessons have helped me develop self compassion, self forgiveness, radical acceptance and loving kindness. It's essential to learn how to be kind to yourself and others, recognize when it's time to move on from toxic relationships or groups, and surround yourself with safe and secure relationships that help you heal. Remember, we're all just doing the best we can.