When Things Change
I used to think that being in your 20s was for figuring out who you wanted to become, and your 30s were settling into the person you spent your 20s becoming; that being in your 20s meant you had to build a foundation for your life— the blueprints, if you will. And that in the midst of having the time of your life, you’d pave the way for yourself to live your fullest days, forever. I was humbled to learn that what this narrative does not account for, are all of the ways in which we evolve, grow, outgrow, change, start over, and allow ourselves to move through different paths, never needing to “settle” on a singular decision. So, if you’re feeling stuck or lost or confused along this windy road we call life, listen up, because this one’s for you (us).
Many people spend their lives thinking about the next step.
Sometimes, that next step is paved out for us or already anticipated, such as moving up a grade level, or planning to go to college, or moving to a new city. Sure, we have to iron out the details, but we feel secure in knowing the next step. What isn’t often named so loudly, are the trips and falls of transitions or managing unexpected change, which set us off path from those around us and from the expectations we had for ourselves and our lives. The moments that, frankly, seem to rock our worlds.
They’re the moments that aren’t supposed to happen.
The moments when you spend hours behind closed doors debating ending your relationship you spent years building; when your loved one is diagnosed with cancer; when your child receives a life-altering diagnosis; when your friend betrays you; when the world shuts down; when you get laid off; when someone you love dies; when you question your entire career you worked so hard to achieve. The moments when your heart shatters into a million tiny pieces and you are desperately trying to sweep them up and put them back together as quickly as possible but the pieces don’t fit anymore and the glue isn’t sticking and your tears are staining the perfectly fresh coat of paint you just put on it and then you cut yourself on the pieces you’re picking up and…
It can feel easier in the moment to want to continue to push forward. To brush the pieces to the side and pretend. To do your best to “fit in” with the others.
And it feels easier because a part of you subconsciously knows that the weight of the hurt and the anger and the sadness is too heavy to allow yourself to feel. So you trick yourself that it’s “not that bad” or if “I don’t deal with it it’ll go away.” You walk through your days filled with all the sh*t being stored inside you, screaming to come out, but you swallow it down to get through it, and that keeps you safe for that time. That allows you to survive sometimes.
Maybe it’s not until you’re in therapy, or you’re triggered by something, or when the dust seems to settle, or even until right this moment, when you realize that the only way out is through. The only way to allow yourself to heal is to give yourself permission to feel. Feel the grief, the loss, the pain, the hurt, the betrayal, the unfairness. Feel it all. Let it move through your body. Allow it to be there without judgement.
Try to be gentle with yourself. Forgive yourself for doing what you needed to do to survive. Forgive yourself for not knowing better. Give yourself the compassion you so easily give to others.
We’re not supposed to have everything figured out, ever.
I know it can be so hard to lose or release control or mourn a life you once had or perceived to have. And it sucks to feel pain and grief. It’s so hard to feel.
Yet, when we create space for the grief to exist alongside the joy, and when we turn inward with self-compassion, we begin to, little-by-little, learn to integrate all parts of ourselves into our experiences. The parts of us that protected us, our inner child that wanted to feel seen and heard, the wounded parts of us, and the parts of us that did everything they could to “fix”, can all come together to help our present and future selves. It is in the moments when we show up for ourselves, that we realize that we’re the ones we needed the most.
There’s so many things that I could continue to say about change, because it’s never-ending, but I’ll close with these final thoughts:
It is never too late to start again or make a different choice. Do this as many times as you need to, over and over again, and for as long as it takes.
You don’t need to “get over” something that altered your life. Carrying that with you and allowing it into your experiences makes you human.
Just because you wanted something at one point in life does not mean you need to want it now.
Your feelings are valid. Shaming or judging yourself won’t get you any closer to resolving that feeling.
Asking for help with your mental health is one of the strongest acts of self love.
Timelines are fake. Everyone’s doing things at a different pace, and not everything is as it seems.
How your life feels is more important than how any aspect of your life looks.
If any of this resonated with you, please feel free to share. If you want mental health support, it’s never too late to reach out. I’m here when you’re ready.
With all the gentleness,
Human and Therapist Becca
Rebecca Jacobs
LCSW, Senior Psychotherapist